How?
by o.AndFlyingMachines.o
Summary: Quinn tries to make sense of herself after she kisses Puck and turns to videos of her friends to help. Written from the promo for 'Goodbye'.


_**A/N: **Written from the promo for 'Goodbye'._

**How?**

She felt odd; really out of sorts and all turned around. But what else was new? Her entire life seemed to be one big whirlwind; a full blown tempest, really. Even when she was focused and determined, destination and goal clear, she was still in an upheaval of some sort. Sometimes it was her own fault, others caused by outside forces. And some was a mix of the two – like now.

Had she initiated it or Puck? It didn't much matter how it happened, but she knew it was a mistake. She hoped he didn't think it meant anything; hoped she he wasn't invested in it in some way. If she could barely remember the actual kiss or how or why it happened, then surely _he_ wouldn't, right? She vaguely remember trying to be dismissive about it, friendly and playing it off as nostalgia – he was the father of her child and no matter how much of a mistake he was, they shared that and always would. And he wasn't a bad guy and had been there for her on occasion, it seemed easy to put the kiss on a goodbye of sorts.

A heaviness settled in her stomach as she made her way back up to her room after ushering him out of her house. It was just a kiss yet it felt like she was backpedaling into a life she didn't want. Puck just embodied so much of the life she wanted to leave behind. He may not be bad guy, but he couldn't help but conjure up memories and feelings she'd rather seal up to reminisce about and not _experience. _She didn't want to fall back anymore than she already had after making so much progress.

Where had the kiss even come from? One day she was happy to just be with her friends, looking forward to leaving Lima and starting fresh at Yale. They'd finally won Nationals, finally got to feel like champions, and finally got to celebrate something they'd wanted for three years. Then, suddenly she's kissing Puck of all people? She'd barely spoken to him as of late, too focused on her own recovery and being selfish as always.

And she was selfish. And a bitch. And crazy. She'd been doing so good -_so good_- and then the accident. And she tried to be positive and determined and happy, but fear and anger took over and she fell. Hard and fast. Bitterness clouding judgment and _pain_ taking her back to her old self and her old needs. She feared she'd never truly escape herself.

But recalling the glee club and their recent celebration brought some warmth back to her. If she could just cling to that, to those memories, she'd be able to get out of here in one piece because even though they caused or brought up a lot of her issues and hurt, they also were her closest friends and she really did love them all.

Slipping into her chair at her desk, she turned on her laptop and then quickly opened up her saved video files. She clicked on the most recent one. Noise erupted from the speakers; cheers and laughter as voices filtered in and out over the ruckus. Smiling faces and bottles of sparkling cider and cups drawing out a smile of her own. They were all so happy, carefree and on top of the world. And she got lost in it all.

She sat watching happily, just watching all of her friends mess around. The focus turned to Brittany shaking a bottle of the cider as she circled Artie. As the blonde poured the celebratory drink over the boy, she couldn't help but chuckle with affection. And when both Brittany and Santana proceeded to kiss his grin-stretched cheeks, the affection turned deeper and warmer. Just another thing to admire about Artie: he didn't hold grudges. This was his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him and her current girlfriend who had never been kind to anyone let alone the guy keep her from her best friend. She'd seen how they seemed more friendly, easier - remembered Artie supporting Santana even when he ought to hate her, and wondered if they had talked it out or if Artie had just let it all go. The latter was more likely.

As the two cheerleaders spun away, the video stayed focused on the now soaked boy as he laughed and hollered with the others. He wheeled about, throwing his arms up occasionally, and the camera followed him – from one side of the room and back and then over to the corner. Quinn was grinning, couldn't help it, as she watched. Artie always brought so much life to everything. He had a way of drawing attention, well, at least _hers_. She couldn't quiet explain it but he made her feel more awake, as if he actually had something to say that _needed_ to be heard whereas the rest of the world was just droning on.

She hadn't even realized how much of the video was actually focused on him, hadn't noticed she had filmed him that much. Not until just before the screen went black. That split-second flash of him right as she was turning the camera off. He was looking at her, hair stuck to forehead and drenched cheeks reddened. A soft smile, and soft eyes. Blue eyes that, even through the lens of a phone camera, peered into her and held that same sparkle of affection he'd given all of their friends. But also- she quickly backed up the few seconds and paused on the image of him- a deeper glint that she'd seen so much, loved so dearly, during those weeks they'd spent together after her accident. She felt a tear escape, skipping down her cheek and landing on her keyboard.

And she wanted to hate herself. For the things she'd said to him, for the things she'd done, and pushing him away. For barely even talking to him since the skate park. For the _years_ of hardly speaking to him and seemingly ignoring him – though she would silently watch and listen to the sweet boy. She wanted to hate herself and it had always been so easy to before. But she couldn't. He had only ever made her feel good. In that short time they got closer, he was so light but firm in his support. So caring and sweet, funny and encouraging. She had felt amazing when she was with him. He never let her get too down and never let her think badly about herself. She saw now that, when they had their... disagreement, he was just trying to keep her from the depression she may have had. Which she did end up falling into. She'd been so scared though, scared and in denial. But he always had the most contagious smile, the most expressive eyes. And he _cared_.

How could she see his face and think anything bad?

Staring at his smiling face a few moments longer, tears slipping down every so often, her own smile easy and light. He was such an amazing guy, a fantastic friend. She'd miss him. She'd miss him so much. She already did.

Starting the video over, she followed him once more, promising to talk to him soon. If not before graduation, then before she left for school. She'd apologize and they'd talk and he'd laugh and she'd feel _good_. Yeah, she'd see him soon.

Laughter so clearly his and a grin so utterly inviting.

How could she not?


End file.
